What are you so scared of?

A reasonable question.

Not surgery itself. No, I'm not - really!
I've had too much surgery to be easily intimidated and having the best colorectal surgeon in the world certainly eases many concerns.

Yes, I'll get a little antsy when they wheel me into the OR. There's no place in the world quite like an operating room. Its FREEZING in there, like the inside of a refrigerater. Everyone is covered in masks and hats and gloves and there are a lot of lights and machines. Someone is invariably laying out sanitized tools onto a table. Then they help me scootch onto the operating table, its narrow and hard and I lay my head on a folded up towel and when they start to untie my gown and place electrodes all over my body it can be a little unnerving because it hits then, they're going to take out a knife and gut me like a fish.

I take a deep breath
A song from my childhood camp comes to mind "How can I fear? Jesus is near. He ever watches over me. Worries all cease, He gives me peace, how can I fear, with Jesus."

They start the drugs and lights out, so thats not the really scary part.

Its what I'll wake up with that I'm really scared about. They're going to give me a Kock pouch - probably. Hopefully. But nothing in the OR is 100% sure until they open you up and take a look. How many adhesions do I have? (adhesions are scar tissue build-up from previous surgeries) How much disease is in my pouch? How does the rest of my small intestine look? How much trouble will they have removing my j-pouch? What if they get in there and decide they can't do the Kock pouch and they have already removed my sphincter muscles and I have no alternantive but permanent end ileostomy? I don't want that.

That is what really terrifies me. And I don't want to sound rude but please don't say something like "God will never give you more than you can handle" - I think that's nonsense. What would I need God for if I could handle stuff on my own?? Don't say "God works out everything for our good." Actually, I think God works everything out according to HIS perfect will, which may involve my personal suffering. Please don't tell me "God will take care of you" because if you read my post "Not a tame Lion" then you know that I believe God plans specific events into our lives - even ones we consider bad. Not MY idea of being "taken care of" but I admit that His ultimate plan is worth more than my comfort so I'll do my best to live with that.

So What can you say to me??
I'll be praying for you!!! Praying that God will give you GRACE, STRENGTH, and COURAGE to face WHATEVER is ahead of you. No matter what I'm here for you and I love you!

Thats really what I need more than anything else -- your prayers.
Yes, PLEASE pray the surgery goes well, that I get my Kock pouch and have a quick recovery but also please, please pray the above because some days grace, strength and courage are in short supply.