This the end of the reign of the toilet in my life.
It sounds silly, I know. But thats only because you don't know what its like to have your whole life revolve around your access to the bathroom. Admittedly, my lot has been easier than those who suffer with ulcerative colitis or severe chrons disease. 20 trips to the bathroom a day is common if you're in a flare and some people go even more than that. But even 8-9 times a day sometimes urgently and getting up at least once every single night is rough too. I got so used to it sometimes I don't think I even really woke up. The bathroom was such a huge part of my life that toilet dreams were a weekly (sometimes nightly) occurrence. Dreams? Yeah. Of course plenty of the standard no tp, no clean seat, no privacy etc etc But some really crazy ones too lets see like.....
an outhouse guarded by wolves
a bunch of stalls at the top of a stadium with no doors
and my personal favorite - a toilet museum with no public restrooms
You don't forget dreams like those!
I stopped having them though - no more toilet nightmares, no more running to the bathroom right after a meal, no more fear of eating on a road-trip, no more hunting for a bathroom in stores, restaurants, malls, parks.
A couple of years ago I was out to lunch with some friends when one of them asked "where's the bathroom at I wonder?" and my other friend said "ask Katie, she always knows where the bathroom is." It's true, like I had an internal compass that pointed me in the right direction.
And the crazy thing is that this hold, this magnetic attraction that has kept such a hold of me almost my entire life I didn't even realize when that hold began to loosen. That is, until just a few days ago. I was on my way home from worship practice at church and just thinking about how things were going with my k-pouch and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I only intubated 4 times the day before. 7am, 3pm, 7pm and 10:30pm, that the other times I just went into the bathroom to pee. That knowledge began to settle down into my brain and well, I almost started to cry. Maybe that sounds silly to you, but then you don't know what its like to be a prisoner of the toilet and you can THANK GOD for that.
I'm released now. I love my k-pouch. Ask me if I care that I stick a tube in my belly -- I don't!!! I'm finally free. The throne is deposed and its control is broken.
Thank you, thank you, God (and thank you Dr Remzi too)
2 comments:
Congrats on everything! I randomly found your webpage, but think I will use it to help other people understand what I've been going through (got j-pouch a few years ago).
Thanks so much!
I’m so glad I found your blog. There is almost nothing online about K pouches and I’m trying to prepare myself mentally for getting one. I am currently the owner of a failed j pouch and planning to see Dr Remzi too. I also totally related to your comment about how people tell you not to let this define your life, but how can you not?! Thank you for documenting this and for the photos too. It really helps me have a better sense of what I’m getting into.
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