Poster Kock Poucher

Thats me.
I saw my dear surgeon today and that's what he called me - a poster Kock-poucher. He even suggested that I write in to a journal that the Cleveland Clinic publishes called the Pouch-O-Gram and tell them my story. He said that the Kock pouch just isn't done very often anymore because it requires a tremendous amount of skill in the surgeon and a very motivated patient but it's a great option for people like me. He said I should let the world know how much I love it.

My visit didn't start off that great though. It started with being stuck three times just for blood. The nurse said I didn't have veins that God just drew lines on my arms. They did eventually get it though and the tech really was good. She was kind and she took care to be as gentle as possible and distract me by talking.

Then I went upstairs and when the nurse was taking me back I passed Dr Remzi in the hall, he said to the nurse "please be quick, I need to leave in 15 minutes." As I sat in the exam room after the nurse left though I felt distraught. I don't want to feel rushed, I don't need a lot of attention but I do need some time where he's not running out the door. So I just started to pray, I prayed that God would give Dr Remzi the opportunity to go do what he needs to do and then come back. I prayed "Oh God, if I could just have his undivided attention for 10 minutes - I'd settle for 7 if I can speak clearly." He came in shortly after I finished praying. I had been standing and leaning against a wall when he came in and he took a look at me and my stoma (Looks good!) then he mentioned an email I had sent him last week informing him of another problem I'm having. He said "You look concerned and I don't wanna rush you. I have a meeting I have to go to. Can you wait? I'll be back at 4pm" (it was 3:15) YES! Thank you, thank you, thank you God.

So he came back in promptly at 4 trailing his nurse and a Fellow. Now the most uncomfortable part of the visit came, he wanted to examine my perianal wound to make sure it wasn't the source of any of my new issues. Not only did I have to kneel and "assume the position" but this stupid table actually bends in the middle and jacks your rear high into the air so the doctor can get a really good look. Well now that my dignity has left the room.....

My consolation was that it was short-lived and probably the last time that will ever happen again, a fortunate side effect of having the rectum removed!

After that we got to talk, and I told him that I wanted to tell him the good things in my life since surgery and not just come in to talk about problems. He heartily assented and I related the following:

#1 I sleep through the night, all the time. I haven't slept through the night since I was 12 (before I had UC and lost my colon) and now I do it all the time. I don't have to get up to go to the bathroom and I can't even begin to express how awesome that is.
Dr Remzi was grinning from ear to ear at this point
#2 I go to the bathroom 4 times a day. 4 times a day. There is no way to relate to you people with colons what that kind of freedom means to me.

I was practically choking back tears of gratitude and he was still grinning and he turned to his Fellow and said "Look at her! She's a model of the success this surgery can be. I was reluctant to do this and I made her wait but she proved to me she was motivated and just look at her!"

Thats when he said I was a poster K-poucher.

Off Topic ---- Contentment

So the whole reason I created this blog site was so I'd have a place to come and rant away my frustrations with my health, to explain to people whats happening with me now and journal really. Its been incredibly therapeutic for me to come here and write everything thats on my heart and mind. Say things that I wouldn't have the courage to say face to face....

And I told myself when I started doing this that this was supposed to be about that, and I'm not going to write if I don't have something to say or something I needed to get off my chest. Too many blogs end up being ridiculous and mundane. This is not "A day in the life of Katie." But something has been on my heart a lot recently and while its not entirely health-related I did want to "get it out" so to speak.

I think one of the biggest things that God has been trying to teach me over the last 3 years is contentment. He stripped me of everything that I took pride and security in: My independence; we were quite independent in Chicago. My job; I took great pride in being a Media Producer at Wheaton college. My health, whats better than being young and healthy? My dreams of where I expected Shon and I to be when we'd been married 5 years. On our 5 year wedding anniversary (Aug 18, 2006) I was having an outpatient surgery to repair my fistula.

Of course my natural reaction to having everything taken away (and taken away all at once) was just to get angry. God why did you bring us here? Why is Shon having a hard time getting into school? Why don't I have a better job (I worked at Chic FilA) I've got a college degree! And why oh why oh why won't you fix this fistula and let me go back to normal? I was miserable for a long time.

And now? Now the fistula was never fixed and I ended up having another big surgery and now I'll be different the rest of my life. I don't work at Chic Fil A any more but I have a job that does not challenge me or interest me. Shon is still in school and it is hard for him. We still live in his grandfather's house. But my perspective? Oh, its changed completely. I may be different but I'm only in the bathroom 4 times a day now - hooray! My job pays the bills and keeps me busy, I have excellent health insurance. Shon is in school and his grandfather pays for it, no student loans for us and we don't have to pay rent at the house, just utilities. We may be poor by American standards but I know that we are rich. We don't lack for anything that we need and God so often blesses us by giving us things that we DON'T need. When I started focusing on that instead of looking at everyone around us. Comparing myself to them and asking God why He didn't do some of the same things for us. It was like He just kept saying "My child, I have a plan for YOU and it is different from the plan I have for THEM."

So I am learning to be content. The first step was to let go of the dreams I had for Shon and I and what I thought would make the best life. The 2nd step was to stop comparing myself to everyone else around me. After all, what do I need that God has not supplied? And the 3rd step? Well thats the hard one..... keeping it up.