So the whole reason I created this blog site was so I'd have a place to come and rant away my frustrations with my health, to explain to people whats happening with me now and journal really. Its been incredibly therapeutic for me to come here and write everything thats on my heart and mind. Say things that I wouldn't have the courage to say face to face....
And I told myself when I started doing this that this was supposed to be about that, and I'm not going to write if I don't have something to say or something I needed to get off my chest. Too many blogs end up being ridiculous and mundane. This is not "A day in the life of Katie." But something has been on my heart a lot recently and while its not entirely health-related I did want to "get it out" so to speak.
I think one of the biggest things that God has been trying to teach me over the last 3 years is contentment. He stripped me of everything that I took pride and security in: My independence; we were quite independent in Chicago. My job; I took great pride in being a Media Producer at Wheaton college. My health, whats better than being young and healthy? My dreams of where I expected Shon and I to be when we'd been married 5 years. On our 5 year wedding anniversary (Aug 18, 2006) I was having an outpatient surgery to repair my fistula.
Of course my natural reaction to having everything taken away (and taken away all at once) was just to get angry. God why did you bring us here? Why is Shon having a hard time getting into school? Why don't I have a better job (I worked at Chic FilA) I've got a college degree! And why oh why oh why won't you fix this fistula and let me go back to normal? I was miserable for a long time.
And now? Now the fistula was never fixed and I ended up having another big surgery and now I'll be different the rest of my life. I don't work at Chic Fil A any more but I have a job that does not challenge me or interest me. Shon is still in school and it is hard for him. We still live in his grandfather's house. But my perspective? Oh, its changed completely. I may be different but I'm only in the bathroom 4 times a day now - hooray! My job pays the bills and keeps me busy, I have excellent health insurance. Shon is in school and his grandfather pays for it, no student loans for us and we don't have to pay rent at the house, just utilities. We may be poor by American standards but I know that we are rich. We don't lack for anything that we need and God so often blesses us by giving us things that we DON'T need. When I started focusing on that instead of looking at everyone around us. Comparing myself to them and asking God why He didn't do some of the same things for us. It was like He just kept saying "My child, I have a plan for YOU and it is different from the plan I have for THEM."
So I am learning to be content. The first step was to let go of the dreams I had for Shon and I and what I thought would make the best life. The 2nd step was to stop comparing myself to everyone else around me. After all, what do I need that God has not supplied? And the 3rd step? Well thats the hard one..... keeping it up.
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