I've been struggling lately in figuring out just exactly what is going to be normal for me. I would say that about 80% of the time I feel really good. Really good like I've never had surgery and everything is great. Another 15% I feel so-so. Maybe my pouch is bothering me or I'm concerned about something (health-wise) or just feel out of sorts. That last 5% is feeling bad. Feeling bad like moderate abdominal pain or nausea, enough to make me leave work early or curtail my activities for the rest of the day. And every time I have one of those days where I feel bad I get worried, whats wrong with me now? Is this going to get worse? What if I throw up? What if the pain becomes severe? Am I going to end up in the ER again? What if I'm just being a big baby?
I don't trust myself, I want to be wise so when I feel badly I really take it easy (more so than I would've done 2 years ago). So many problems can be made worse by NOT going to the doctor. I've learned that lesson, now I've got to keep the pendulum from swinging in the other direction. I try and keep myself calm at least outwardly but I panic internally. I talk myself down. No matter what God's in control. But I don't want to spend any more nights in the hospital, the mere thought makes me want to burst into tears.
When I feel good I'm on top of the world and then when I don't feel so good I begin to despair. I'm praying constantly. O God, am I going to be sick the rest of my life? Really chronically ill where I can't hold down a job? Will I be healthy and well? Can I lead a really normal life again? Or will I float somewhere between? Right now I feel its the latter. If you were to ask me if I considered myself healthy more than likely I would respond "yes" but when I look back over the last month at how many days I left work early because I felt sick I get discouraged. Perhaps I'm not as healthy as I'd like to believe. Sometimes I think I'm overreacting to the pain I experience. But how can I measure? Who am I supposed to compare myself to? You? Thats hardly fair.
I don't want to make a huge deal out of the things I've been through and how my life has been altered but I can't ignore it, its impossible and unrealistic. Perhaps I just don't know how to manage living with a chronic illness. See, back when I was a kid I was told I had UC and once had my colon out I continued on happily cured. Now I'm told I have Crohns disease and to tell you the truth I've never really believed it. It seems ridiculous that the best doctors on the planet can tell me that and I think they really don't know what they're talking about. After all, I don't have the symptoms that Crohns patients have.... or do I? Perhaps I need to settle down and give it some thought because right now I just don't know what it all means.
I believe that God not just allowed but chose for these things to happen to me. I'm done being mad at Him for it (at least for now!) He's got this huge and amazing plan and I'm a part of it. I don't know what my part means, but I know that God only does GOOD things, everything He does is excellent. I want to be a part of that, even if my part is hard and scary and I don't know what is going to happen next. But I covet your prayers because this trust thing doesn't come naturally to me.
Pray that I would use discernment with regard to my health...... celebrate the good days and act and think wisely on the bad.
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