I hate CAT scans

Why, you ask? If you've had one or even know someone who's had one then you know they're painless and actually quick usually lasting less than 15 minutes. I've got just one word for you: barium.

I thought I had had every kind of barium that they can give you. The kind they mix with your favorite juice thereby making it detestable to you from that moment on. Theres a lot to drink but you can chug it on down. Then there is the 40oz bottle of liquid concrete. Its not like liquid concrete because of the consistency but because of the flavor and color. They can make it really cold and you can chug it and while 40 oz of cold grey salty crap is rough to chug you can manage to get most of it down before you realize just how nasty it is.

I was prepared to chug the contrast, I was ready, I almost felt like an athlete before a rough match you know, talking myself into it, ok you can do this! Then I got hit by the bad news, its a timed study and therefore a different kind of contrast. The radiologist said I had to drink this 20 oz bottle of liquid over the next 20 minutes "DON'T CHUG! You just sip it!" when the 20 minutes are up she promised to bring me another 20 oz bottle and when that was up 20 minutes later I get another one and then finally 60 minutes after I start sipping I get my CAT scan. Great.

Sip it?! I wasn't prepared. I took a sniff (smells fruity) and then a SIP. Hmmmmm. Slimy. Not as fruity tasting as it was smelling and its room temperature. SIP. Hmmmm, It doesn't seem horrible now but.... SIP oh yeah, I can tell I'm really going to hate this by the time I get to the bottom of bottle #1. I commented to Shon that it had the consistency of snot to which he heartily agreed (side note: never agree with someone who comments that what they have to ingest resembles some bodily fluid). The people sitting across from me sipped their Starbucks lattes and cast sidelong glances at my drink, I tried to pretend they were envious of me instead of the other way around. SIP.

Half-way through bottle #2 I started to get nauseated. I tried to convince Shon to try it but he said I was supposed to drink it and what good would it do if he drank it? SIP. The people sitting across from me wisely vacated their spots because I was beginning to turn the color of the barium, but meanwhile the people down the row just arrived with more Starbucks. SIP. I hate CAT scans. SIP. I hate people who drink Starbucks in front of people who cannot drink Starbucks. SIP. Bottle #3 arrives before I've convinced myself to finish bottle #2. The radiologist is kind enough to say that if I throw up I can still have the scan and just to drink as much as I possibly can. Comforting thought. SIP. I made it 2/3rds through bottle #3 when the radiologist was there to take me back thankfully she didn't scold me about the remains of the barium.

My stomach is FULL. My bladder is FULL. My k-pouch is FULL. I think I look like Twiddle-Dee from Alice in Wonderland. Lay down on the little tray to be put into the machine. Also have an IV for the IV contrast. Radiologist asks if I've ever had a CAT scan before. Yes. (my mental tally says I've had between 8-10 but I'm not exactly sure how many). I don't remember hating them so much though....So what does the IV contrast do? Oh, it makes you warm all over, especially your neck and head and then you feel like you're sucking on a tinfoil Popsicle and oh the best part - you feel like you peed yourself. Yes folks. Its weird, but true. How can a dye they inject make you feel like you peed yourself?? Who knows, all I can say is that when you're full of contrast its not hard to believe that you did. So there I lay, hot, bloated, holding my breath (per instructions) feeling like I just peed myself and thinking I hate CAT scans.